1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,039
HE SNORES

2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,080
GULLS CALL LOUDLY

3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,880
BANGING

4
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,759
Er, excuse me, do you sell buckets?

5
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,240
Buckets? No.

6
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,039
Really?

7
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,880
No call for them. Old-fashioned.

8
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,919
So how do people, you know, like,
carry water and stuff?

9
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,879
Well, everything's plumbed-in
these days.

10
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,719
You know, it's piped to wherever it
needs to be

11
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,239
so there's no need for anyone
to carry any by hand.

12
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,999
What colour bucket?

13
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,399
Well, doesn't really matter.
Any colour.

14
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,239
No, sorry, I can't help you.

15
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,680
A hosepipe, that's the closest
we do. Garden section.

16
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,799
OK.

17
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,679
Excuse me?

18
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,999
Is that right that you
don't sell buckets any more?

19
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,879
I'm sorry?

20
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,879
Your colleague just told me that
you don't sell buckets any more

21
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,559
because they're old-fashioned.

22
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,520
Do you mean those things
that people used to carry water in?

23
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,679
Yeah.

24
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:54,999
Oh...

25
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,839
We haven't stocked buckets
in a while, mate.

26
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,640
Tell you what, you might want to try
the Vintage and Antiques Emporium.

27
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,919
- TANNOY:
- Enjoy big savings on solvents this summer at Tool Box.

28
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,399
White spirits,
meths and turpentine...

29
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,359
Did you see Celebrity
Barrel Scrapers last night?

30
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,759
Did I see what?

31
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,559
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.

32
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,999
It's like... You know
Barrel Scrapers, the show?

33
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,159
Well, it's like that
but the celebrity version.

34
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,199
I haven't got a telly.
Are you serious,

35
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,559
there's a programme called
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers?

36
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,719
Yeah. Didn't recognise any of
the celebrities in it, though.

37
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,239
Apart from that bald bloke from,
er, what's-it-called...

38
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,559
It's funny, though.

39
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,279
What do they do, the celebrities?

40
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,519
Just, you know, scrape
the barrels out, get 'em clean.

41
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,439
Gets really messy. It's dead good.

42
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,199
Hang on, you don't have a TV?

43
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,839
No.

44
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280
Prick.

45
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,159
Everyone's going to the pub
next Friday after work.

46
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,039
It's someone's birthday.
You coming?

47
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,319
Whose birthday?

48
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,719
Bloke who cuts the MDF.

49
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,599
- Andre.
- Mm-hm.

50
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,480
Maybe. I'll see.

51
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,079
A big tall guy, about six foot.
A big white bea..

52
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,799
Him! Him, there,
with the white beard!

53
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,319
- Him!
- OK, thank you. I'll, um...

54
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,920
Here we go.

55
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,759
Did you tell that customer we don't
sell buckets?

56
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,959
No.

57
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,519
He said you told him
we don't sell buckets,

58
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,359
that there's no call for them.

59
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,159
- Oh, BUCKETS?
- Oh! - Is that what he

60
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,159
YAWNING: I couldn't understand
what he was saying.

61
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,959
What time do you go to bed?

62
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,439
None of your business, Gordon.

63
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,039
It is my business if my staff are
falling asleep on their feet

64
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,199
and they can't hear
the customers properly.

65
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,359
You don't lose your hearing
when you're tired. Oh...

66
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:38,400
PHONE RINGS

67
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,720
Hello, Hilary? Is everything OK?

68
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,839
- OK, I'll be right there.
- No...

69
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,039
No, it's fine. I'm not busy.

70
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,799
No, honestly, it's not a problem.

71
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,599
Yes.

72
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,240
OK, I'm on my way.

73
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,159
I've got to go.
Me dad's lost something.

74
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,600
Lost something?

75
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,600
Have you been on your break?

76
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,519
Oh, hello, love. Sorry.

77
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,239
No, it's all right. What's happened?

78
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,999
I would've waited till you came
in later,

79
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,040
- but he was upset and threatening
to call the police. - Really?

80
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,799
Tina found this on his bed
when he was at breakfast

81
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,359
and brought it to me.

82
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,640
He noticed it
was missing and kicked off.

83
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,919
Bloody 'ell!

84
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,439
Right, um...

85
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,839
Well, I'll... I'll see if I can get
to the bottom of it.

86
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,880
Thanks, Hilary. Sorry.

87
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,319
KNOCK ON DOOR

88
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,559
- Hello, Dad.
- Oh, I'm glad you're here.

89
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,959
There's a thief in this place
and I've had enough!

90
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,479
It's outrageous.
I'm writing a letter.

91
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,759
All right, Dad, calm down.
No-one's stole it.

92
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,399
I've got it here. They didn't
know what it was.

93
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,079
It says quite clearly on the tin
what it is - poison.

94
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,439
Well, exactly. They were worried.

95
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,919
I'm not a child.

96
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,159
Why have you got a tin of poison?
What is going on?

97
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,119
Give it here.

98
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,280
Right.

99
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,159
One, two, three, four, five, six.

100
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,359
Oh, they're all there.
Thank God for that.

101
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,799
I couldn't replicate these.
Once they're gone, they're gone.

102
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,839
Seriously, Dad, why have you got
six phials of poison?

103
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,959
This is the antidote that dissolves
the homunculi,

104
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,239
only to be used in case
of emergency.

105
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,839
It was given to me, I don't know
what's in it,

106
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,559
and I couldn't make it again.

107
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,639
Did you find the diaries?

108
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,399
- Mike?
- Eh?

109
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,839
Did you find the instructions?

110
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,439
- Yes.
- Excellent. So have you got it set up?

111
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,679
No, Dad. I haven't had time.

112
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,359
Well, the sooner you start the
chanting, the sooner you'll be able

113
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,599
to get results and the sooner
you'll be able to ask about Clea.

114
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,319
You have to chant to the bottles.

115
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,160
It's all there in the instructions.

116
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,680
Wh-what... what's wrong?

117
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,239
This was in the journal.

118
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,199
There they are!

119
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,119
Oh, my God.
I'd forgotten I took this.

120
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,759
Dad, I'm so confused.

121
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,919
I thought that this was just
a bedtime story.

122
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,079
I didn't think it might
actually be real.

123
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,359
Trust me. You want to know
where Clea is?

124
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,760
When she's coming home?

125
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,839
They can answer any question,

126
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,759
and they're compelled
to answer truthfully.

127
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,679
OK. Just remind me
what they actually are.

128
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,759
Homunculi. Prophesying spirits.

129
00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,799
Right. I looked up "homunculus" in
the dictionary, and it said,

130
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,639
"A very small, humanoid creature."

131
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,240
- That's it, yeah.
- "That's it"?!

132
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,399
So, what, a human? An animal?

133
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,719
Is this legal?

134
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,159
Well, it's not ILLEGAL.

135
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,599
That doesn't exactly put my mind
at rest, Dad!

136
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,119
Trust me.

137
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,119
Yes, yes. All right.

138
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,999
Before I forget, will you post
some letters for me?

139
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,279
More competitions?

140
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,039
Yeah. This one's foot spa,

141
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,239
this one's dog grooming classes,

142
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,039
and this one's a Lamborghini.

143
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,439
Fingers crossed.

144
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,639
Oh, and this one, er,
you'll need a stamp.

145
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,479
You'll have to go to
the Post Office.

146
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:40,159
It's going to Vancouver,
to my old school friend Vic.

147
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,879
Oh, righto. How is Vic these days?

148
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,239
Much the same. Not much
to say for himself, but, er...

149
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,079
- ..he always asks after you.
- After me? Does he?

150
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,719
Yeah, yeah, very interested in
what you're up to.

151
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,039
Did I ever meet him?

152
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,999
Um... Maybe once,
when you were little.

153
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,280
Right. Well, next time...

154
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,120
..tell him I said hello.

155
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,039
- Hello, Olive.
- Hello, Michael.

156
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,359
What you got there? Jars?

157
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,479
- Yep, jars.
- Big, aren't they?

158
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,439
Yep, big jars.
What are you sprinkling today?

159
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,039
- Ant powder.
- Oh, yeah?

160
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,359
Little bastards coming indoors
and eating all the cake.

161
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,519
Wankers.

162
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,959
Got to get them early,
otherwise they start bloody flying.

163
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,279
You know that? They sprout wings
and start bloody flying

164
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,879
all over the place on 4th of July,
Independence Day.

165
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,119
So, I'm putting the powder down.

166
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,799
- Yeah, that'll learn 'em.
- Mm!

167
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680
- See you later, Olive.
- Cheerio.

168
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,760
OK, Dad. I'm doing this, am I?

169
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,240
Can you put those in a bag for me?
Thank you.

170
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,039
- VOICEMAIL:
- Please leave a message.

171
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,679
Hello, um, this is, er, Michael.
Michael Sleep.

172
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,879
I'm just leaving a message.

173
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,119
I won't be coming in today,
I'm afraid.

174
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,360
I've got a bit of a runny bottom.

175
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,439
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning.

176
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,079
Er, morning.

177
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,799
Are you just getting rid of
some stuff?

178
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,759
Er, just moving it.

179
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,319
Oh, to out the front here?

180
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,719
That's right. It's only temporary.

181
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,520
CLANGING

182
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,279
I was going to say,

183
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,239
I'm sorry you didn't get a chance
to take your hedge back.

184
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,839
Don't be sorry.
It's lucky, actually.

185
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,199
I spotted a pair of chaffinches

186
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,759
nesting in the ivy,

187
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,999
so I'm glad that we didn't
disturb them.

188
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,360
- Chaffinches?
- Chaffinches!

189
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,959
CLATTER

190
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,799
That reminds me, your security light
at the front,

191
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,039
it's flashing on and off,
on and off, all night.

192
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,159
Is it?

193
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,239
There must be a branch or a twig
or something waving across it.

194
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,199
You probably don't notice it
if your bedroom's at the back.

195
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,079
- I'll take a look.
- Yes, it's on and off, on and off.

196
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,199
All night - on and off, on and off.
It's, like, every few minutes.

197
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,719
It's light pollution.

198
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,359
It's disturbing
the little chaffinches.

199
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,879
Light pollution... OK.

200
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,159
Just off to the DIY store.
Do you need anything?

201
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,319
No. Thanks.

202
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,279
- Are you sure? I get a...
- Nope. - I get a staff discount.

203
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,000
- No, thanks.
- All right.

204
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,479
All right, skiver?!

205
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,039
I thought you had the shits!

206
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,319
Sh!

207
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,799
Don't let him know I'm here!

208
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,719
Do you know, I'm having to do twice
as much work cos of you.

209
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,039
Well, you usually do fuck all, so
twice fuck all is still fuck all.

210
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,559
Mm.

211
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,279
Why are you here?

212
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,080
I need you to get some stuff for me.

213
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,119
Jesus.

214
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,879
All right, let me finish me cig.

215
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,480
- And, er, remember to get
the staff discount. - OK.

216
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,319
You building a bomb?

217
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,719
No!

218
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,159
Crystal meth?

219
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,600
HE SCOFFS

220
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,599
What?

221
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,399
Well, what's all this for?

222
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,199
- I'm cleaning me fish tank.
- What fish have you got?

223
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,959
- Pilchards.
- You're lying.

224
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,039
It's for a project. I'll tell you
about it another time.

225
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,319
- Did he see you? Gordon?
- No.

226
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,800
Kacey, I just wanted to say,
you've still got me credit card.

227
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,360
You're welcome!

228
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,280
? I've got something
I keep to myself

229
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,400
? I've got something
I keep to myself

230
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:09,559
? I've got something
I keep to myself

231
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,079
? And I'm not gonna
tell you what it is

232
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,680
- ? Not gonna tell you what it is.
- ?

233
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,880
HE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC

234
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,439
- BRIAN:
- Before the jars are sealed,

235
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,719
in each must be placed
a mineral seed item

236
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,640
from which the homunculus
will grow.

237
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,359
The seeds must be carefully selected

238
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,600
and be specific to
the creature's station.

239
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,280
For the Knight, a brass key.

240
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,600
For the Monk, the nib of a pen.

241
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,280
For the Peasant,
a plain, undecorated button.

242
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,320
For the Seraph,
a crystal of amethyst.

243
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,920
For the Queen, a gold ring.

244
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,280
And for the King, a silver coin,
as old as you can find.

245
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,079
Why does he have to behave
like this?

246
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,680
It's like every little thing
he does is designed to wind me up.

247
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,839
I mean, what the hell's his problem?

248
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,200
Bev?

249
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,559
Huh?

250
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,279
I'm saying, "What's his problem?"

251
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,439
Who?

252
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,639
Gandalf the friggin' Grey!
Who do you think?!

253
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,479
It sounds like you're the one
with the problem.

254
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,999
Why can't you just ignore him?

255
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,599
How can I, with that
racket going on?

256
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,839
SILENCE

257
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,880
HE SIGHS

258
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,199
Why can't he just be normal?

259
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,639
What're you doing?

260
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,879
- I put a mirror down there.
- Oh, and that's normal, is it?

261
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,319
Can you believe he's had the nerve

262
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,479
to complain about our
security light?

263
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,360
Light pollution he's accused me of.

264
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,759
I mean, his place is crawling
with vermin.

265
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,839
The amount of insects in his garden
is disgusting.

266
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,239
Spiders, wasps...

267
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,879
..bees.

268
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,719
And the effing sparrows chirping
all day long in the bushes.

269
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,760
Oh, it drives me insane.

270
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,159
Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia,

271
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,359
et ex praecordiis sonent...

272
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,559
Great. He's praying.

273
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:34,199
That's all we need -
a religious fanatic.

274
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,719
Bev!

275
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:36,959
What?!

276
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,239
What're you listening to?

277
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,159
- A podcast.
- About what?

278
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,800
Sex trafficking.

279
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,039
And from the heart

280
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,719
the announcements sound

281
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,719
Residant... Rekedant?

282
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,799
Let the old... old...

283
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,999
Sacred hymns!
May the joys be united!

284
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,080
SOFTLY: And from the heralds...

285
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,519
..they sound...

286
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,439
DULLY: By sacred hymns

287
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,880
united heart...

288
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,240
..and from the advertisements...

289
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,800
PHONE RINGS

290
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,239
Hello?

291
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,879
- Are you coming to the pub?
- Who is this?

292
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,239
Kacey! Are you coming to the pub?

293
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,239
- What time is it?
- 1 dunno

294
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,879
Look, we're at the Open As Usual.
You said you'd come.

295
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,199
Why do you want me to come to
the pub so much?

296
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,519
I'm not asking you out on a date!
I'm just saying we're at the pub.

297
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,679
Fuck's sake, I'm just
being friendly.

298
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,719
All right, I'm sorry.

299
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,080
- Which pub?
- Open As Usual.

300
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,439
- All right?
- Yeah.

301
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,839
You all right?

302
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,159
You made it.

303
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,639
You must be made up.

304
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,720
Yeah, I might start weeping.

305
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,359
BRIGHAM GIGGLES

306
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,239
Oh-ho! Oh, here he is,
Weirdy Beardy!

307
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,079
Hey, someone get this man a drink!

308
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,759
HE GIGGLES

309
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,599
- Michael? Michael!
Are you a train spotter? - No.

310
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,199
GIGGLES

311
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,599
Are you a virgin?

312
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,239
What are you talking about?

313
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,359
How old are you, 50?

314
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,160
50-year-old virgin!

315
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,159
LAUGHTER

316
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,559
Oh, shut up, Brigham.
How old are you, five?

317
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,999
BRIGHAM GIGGLES

318
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,319
I love this freak!

319
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,879
My mate used to work at a restaurant
when you worked there.

320
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,239
Some burger place.

321
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,519
Oh, yeah, Burgers Burgers Burgers
on the high street.

322
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,879
Yeah. Said he stripped off in front
of all the customers!

323
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,439
Only to me vest and pants.

324
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,399
"Only to me vest and pants!"

325
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,759
What for?

326
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,279
I was resigning and
they wanted the uniform back.

327
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,519
My mate said, right, he swipes
a banoffee pie off the counter,

328
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,479
comes out front, strips off,
flips the manager the bird,

329
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,039
- and then walks out in his boxers.
- LAUGHTER

330
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,119
- Is that true?
- Nearly. It was a sticky toffee pudding.

331
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,359
And I had to come back
because me clothes and keys

332
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,119
were in the staffroom.

333
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,079
Oh, no, no, I'm only having the one.
I've got the car.

334
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,519
Leave it here, get the bus!
Where do you live?

335
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,439
Marvin Gardens, just off
the Wilmslow Road.

336
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,999
Oh, my God, yeah, I know it.

337
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,519
Listen, it's a 20 minute walk
from here. You're fine.

338
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,919
Do you know Danielle?

339
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,679
She used to live on the corner of
Marvin Gardens. I was mates with her

340
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,559
at school. I ain't spoken to her
in years, though.

341
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,439
She went off to catering college.

342
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,639
Oh, my God, there used to be this
house on Marvin Gardens, right,

343
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,999
that was just, like, full of junk

344
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,399
and, like, the garden was
an absolute jungle.

345
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,639
And, I mean, this bloke lived
there, but nobody saw him.

346
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,559
Well, Danielle saw him a few times,
but, anyways...

347
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,959
..he murdered his wife.

348
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,159
Yeah, everyone knew. I mean, the
police dug up his garden

349
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,039
and everything,
but they never found owt.

350
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,279
They reckon he dissolved her
in battery acid

351
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,959
and flushed her down the loo,
so he got away with it.

352
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,760
How long have you lived there?

353
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,360
Oh, my God, that's your house!

354
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,479
Did you murder your wife?

355
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,679
SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

356
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,639
I was never married.

357
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,039
But, no, I've never murdered anyone,

358
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,480
let alone flushed somebody
down the toilet.

359
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,959
Come to think of it, everything
Danielle said was absolute bullshit.

360
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,420
Michael? Michael!

361
00:22:39,421 --> 00:22:40,879
BRIGHAM GIGGLES

362
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,719
Do you like Star Trek?

363
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,760
GIGGLES MANICALLY

364
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,519
So... were you really
an underwater welder?

365
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,879
- What's that?
- Were you really an underwater welder?

366
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,079
Oh, no, I made that up.

367
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,639
Do you know, I knew it,
you bullshitter!

368
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,479
I went down a two-hour
underwater-welding rabbit-hole

369
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,079
last night! I mean, I watched
videos on YouTube!

370
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,679
I know everything about it.

371
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,279
So how does that work, then?
The fire underwater thing?

372
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,080
I'm not telling ya.

373
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:37,159
Your mate's story,
it wasn't all bullshit, though.

374
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,639
The police did dig up my garden.

375
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,799
Did me a favour, actually.
Had to clear up afterwards

376
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,199
and left it in a better state
than it was before!

377
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,759
Well, what were they
looking for, then?

378
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,759
Me girlfriend.

379
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,119
She left one day and
she never came back.

380
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,680
Everyone thought I'd killed her
for a while.

381
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,840
I didn't kill her.

382
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,159
I love her.

383
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,879
- Michael! Do you collect stamps?
- GIGGLES

384
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,279
Why do you find me so weird,
Brigham? I don't get it.

385
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,719
Just don't worry about him.

386
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,239
No, I don't understand.
Is it simply because I have a beard?

387
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,239
Or because I don't go on
the paintballing trips?

388
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,759
Cos that ain't that bloody weird,
is it?

389
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,439
Jason wears gold boots

390
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,159
with wings on, but here you all are

391
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,639
ripping into me!

392
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,319
Oh, careful, watch out,
or he'll strip down,

393
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,239
but only to his vest and pants!

394
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,759
You don't know anything about me.

395
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,319
If you knew what I'm actually
growing in my shed...

396
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,679
- GIGGLING:
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

397
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,879
Stop right there,
thank you very much.

398
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,639
What are you actually growing
in your shed?

399
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,559
- What you don't know...
- Yeah?

400
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,119
..is that I am actually
growing homunc...

401
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,220
..homunculi.

402
00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:50,319
BRIGHAM LAUGHS

403
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,080
- I beg your pardon?
- Homunculi!

404
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,359
They are prophesying spirits

405
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,279
that can predict the future,

406
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,159
and I am growing them in jars
in my shed.

407
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,959
So when I'm winning billions
on the lottery,

408
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,159
you won't be laughing then,
will ya, eh?

409
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,639
What the fuck are you on about?!

410
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,119
SHOUTS: Homunculi!

411
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,479
All right!

412
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,879
Let's get you home, yeah?

413
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:15,960
BRIGHAM GIGGLES

414
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,039
Are you all right?

415
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,440
I'm fine.

416
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,039
So...

417
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,079
..what are you growing in jars
in your shed?

418
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,439
Homunculi.

419
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,359
- And what's a homunculi?
- No.

420
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,999
No. "Homunculi" is plural.

421
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,159
"Homunculus" is singular.

422
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,239
And they are creatures.
They're like little people.

423
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,360
They're like little people in jars.

424
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,119
Like sea monkeys?

425
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,799
They're a little bit like
sea monkeys

426
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,119
but they can predict the fuchsia...

427
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,119
Fuchsia!

428
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,719
I had sea monkeys once.

429
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,519
They were really disappointing.

430
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,439
Like, the advert said that they were
so eager to please,

431
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,879
but my ones, they couldn't give
an apparent fuck.

432
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,959
They're not sea monkeys,
they're homunculi.

433
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,679
Can I come and see 'em?

434
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,439
No. Nobody can see them
at the moment

435
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,800
because they are invisible to
the human naked eye. So, no.

436
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,119
OK.

437
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:22,999
You don't have to walk me home.
I'm fine.

438
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,519
Hey, I'm not walking you home.
I live this way.

439
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,279
Fine.

440
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,720
SARCASTICALLY: Fine!

441
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,319
This is me.

442
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,080
All right, yeah, cool. I'm just...

443
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,080
SHE SIGHS SOFTLY

444
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,640
HE SIGHS SOFTLY

445
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,480
HE SNIFFS

446
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,560
HE INHALES RAGGEDLY

447
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,680
CREATURE GROWLS SOFTLY

448
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:04,799
? I know we're older now

449
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,400
? And lost again

450
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:15,079
? Down at the cul-de-sac

451
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,160
? You left, my friend

452
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,919
? I put the kettle on

453
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,800
? The wise man sung for you. ?

454
00:29:25,850 --> 00:29:30,400
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